Pain? What pain?

Source: Farica Yang, Unsplash

My primary care doctor and I do a check-in call once a week. Her role has morphed into one where she now checks in to make sure I am mentally ok and that physically I am stable. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this sort of care so the change feels pretty nice.

When we talked yesterday I told her about how I was fighting a nasty cold but also that I still can’t shake the pain from my swollen abdomen. I hadn’t been taking any over the counter medication because I was worried it would impact my liver but did admit that I had eaten a few CBD gummies with a low dose of THC and it seemed to be helping. I also told her I had gotten my medical marijuana card hoping that it would unlock some magical back room for cancer patients. Instead I was disappointed to learn that the only thing my medical card gives me is the ability to buy more of the same weed being peddled to the masses. I was annoyed.

I’ve never liked pain killers and hate what they do to me physically and mentally because I don’t like feeling numb. Going into this cancer experience I’d already made the decision that I am going to do this with no opiates and no steroids. Suddenly marijuana and ibuprofen are seeming like pretty viable alternatives and much to my surprise my doctor agreed. She said, “smoke it, eat it, vape it, if it helps with the pain then you should do it., and you’re also clear to start doing this with ibuprofen and food” I was honestly a little shocked. Did my doctor just give me the green light to become a connoisseur of the devil’s lettuce? Amazing what a national opioid epidemic coupled with the legalization of marijuana will do to change people’s opinions about drugs…

I haven’t wanted to eat for the last few days and even got into an argument with Troy about it yesterday morning. The pain was too much and I couldn’t shake the nausea which was incredibly frustrating for him because he knows how critical it is for me to get calories in my body right now. A couple gummies and a few ibuprofen later and suddenly the pain and nausea are gone and I’ve downed more food in the last 24 hours than I did in the last 3 days. So what I once used for recreation is now becoming a lifeline to pain management and to feeling semi-normal. I’ll take it.

I know I am going to need to find balance between managing my pain and appetite and not feeling “stoned”. If you would have asked me a decade ago whether I’d be ok spending a year stoned I probably would have jumped at the chance, yet now, the only thing I want is to feel sharp and normal. I don’t want to live my life in a fog, yet what I am realizing is that the effects of the pain create a worse fog and feeling of despair than anything. So I’ll take the tradeoff for now. I’ll do this in a way that embraces balance and allows me to enjoy the little things, like sleeping, sitting, and walking.

I might also eat a few pieces of pizza for breakfast in the process.

-Brynn