I’ve been wondering what I am going to be like when I come out of this on the other side. Cancer is a trauma, and trauma changes people. I think about the highly emotional experiences over the course of my life. These have been distinct moments that transformed who I am and how I think about the world and the common thread is that most, if not all of them, have been painful.

It’s the suffering that I believe leads to the greatest transformation. Troy likes to say that you can’t appreciate the good days if you don’t have a few bad days and I think growth often happens like that. It’s the trying times that make you stop and have immense gratitude for what you have and who you have in your life. I already believe I have a fairly strong gratitude practice and have made a habit of taking a daily inventory of five things I am grateful for whenever my life has been especially stressful. Change is funny in that I don’t think people know they are changing when they are in it but there is no doubt that they have changed once they are on the other side.

Three years ago when I took my sabbatical I had just come out of an extremely stressful time professionally and personally and took the time to decompress and travel solo and also learned a lot about myself in the process. I had this glamorous vision of what it would be like to travel alone and the reality was that I spent a lot of time in reflection but ultimately found myself craving the company of others. I took a photo before, during, and after the trip and was shocked to see how different I looked after the entire experience. Had it not been for the growth and transformation I had experienced over those six months I don’t think I would have ever been able to be the partner that I am today for Troy.

My expectations of what this experience will be like are a combination of what I have read and what others have told me. It’s taking a lot of self control to not let my imagination run wild because I don’t know how my mind and body are going to react to this. I do know I get dark when I am in pain and this is something I am going to really have to work on managing. In my heart I know that I should be working through forgiveness for others so I can remove as much negativity as possible and lean into this experience from a place of light and calm. I know this is going to change me, and I hope more than anything that it makes handling any challenge in the future something I can take with the levity I am going to need to get through this.

-Brynn

Post-Traumatic Transformation