Needs and boundaries.

Source: Raphael Mittendorfer, Unsplash

“We’ve confirmed it’s adenocarcinoma,” said the gastroenterology nurse when she called me today. Her tone of voice was as if I was getting the news for the first time and I think she was a bit surprised when I didn’t get upset and instead just confirmed the next step was the oncology appointment and rushed to get off the phone. At that point I had spent most of the morning in my living room trying to will myself onto the bike. For the first time in 3 days my stomach pain was tolerable but I struggled all morning to fight this feeling of exhaustion. Then the confirmation call came and that was enough to get me off of the couch, if for no other reason than I needed an outlet to channel my energy and get rid of my pent up rage.

I know what I am probably feeling is normal considering I’ve hit nearly every other feeling so far on the emotional rainbow. So today’s feeling is anger which is ironic considering I should actually be pretty happy today. The oncologist has my pathology, we’ve confirmed what we already knew, and now I have an appointment. Yet, my anger is stemming from something I’ve struggled with for most of my adult life, which is being really clear about the boundaries I need in my life right now. I’ve had three people in the last two days, including my mother, remind me that the most important thing I can do is set boundaries and focus on healing myself.

I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me over the last few weeks which has been really kind and believe me when I say I can feel the positive vibes and love. As an introvert this has also been a pretty overwhelming and energy draining experience. I’ve started to have to set boundaries and be really specific about what I need right now which is hard for me personally because I generally default to wanting to make sure others around me are happy. It doesn’t mean I won’t come back or want to talk or hang out but what it does mean is that I might need to take a day, week, or even a month to hibernate before I am able to come back and join the party. What doesn’t help is the text exchange I had this morning from a guy I met at a workshop in Seattle about a decade ago. He said, “you must be having a bad day” after I explained I was talked out and really didn’t want to have a phone conversation about my situation with someone who is basically a stranger. That’s like saying, “Hey, I know you have cancer and all but I’m a nice person and I think you’re being a bitch for setting boundaries.” I’m pretty sure I was just putting my energy where I need it to be right now.

I’m in a state where the only thing on my mind is getting to the oncologist to come up with a game plan. I’d rather focus on this, my close friends and family, and on doing the work I need to do to mentally prepare for the chemo. I’m also dealing with grief over not being able to be as physically active as I normally am and feeling my exhaustion get worse by the week. I think this has been the hardest reality check given the worst hasn’t even started. If I am getting this winded after a quick trip to Whole Foods then it terrifies me to think about a day when I can’t do that or even hike up and down the two flights of stairs to let my dog out.

So what has been helping? I’ve had a number of friends offer to cook with me, for me, or simply bring me food just to spend time together. This has been incredible and kind because it’s also made it so we have food in the house and don’t have to worry about spending extra energy if we don’t need to. Other friends have scooped me up with my dog and taken me a few blocks down to the beach where we’ve just sat and talked. Others have opened up their homes and let me crash on their couch when I’ve gotten too tired. More shoot me a quick text or a call to check in. Even better are the ones who view the cancer as an afterthought and text me for totally unrelated reasons. It eventually comes up as one would expect it to, but it’s not the primary focus and it makes me feel normal again.

I’m certain my needs and boundaries are going to vary widely over the coming months. I want my loved ones to know that no matter my state in any given day, I’m still here and I want more than anything to be giving 150%. Even if 150% for the foreseeable future looks a bit more like 50% know that I will do my best, and might need a few more hibernation days on the books to recharge and get there.

-Brynn