Wait, wait, and wait some more.
Source: Anthony Tran, Unsplash
The waiting feels like an eternity.
I know they told me it would take 3-5 days to get my biopsy results back and we’re still in that window but each day feels longer and longer. My friends and family are all asking the same question, “Do you have your oncology appointment yet?” No. Not yet, and every time I have to think about it I am reminded about how stuck and powerless I feel right now.
Some might call me a control freak. I prefer to think of myself as having a double blackbelt in being planful. Three years ago I took 6 months off work to go on sabbatical and planned my own enlightenment. When I was done feeling enlightened I started planning for my new job, decorated my new apartment with a PPT because it was easier to manage, and planned to adopt a dog. I did all of that. I’m person who, surprise, built a career in tech leading programs and teams because I love managing to milestones, forward progress, a sense of structure, and the satisfaction of accomplishing something.
I spent most of last week on a high because the biopsy felt like a major milestone. I naively assumed when they said 3-5 days surely my case would warrant a rush order for lab results but it didn’t. When I spoke to the oncologist nurse this morning and asked if they had a tentative appointment for me she confirmed they did and the soonest they could get me in was on May 8th. Another lifetime away…
So we continue to wait, wait, and wait some more until the day I find out what the next 6-12 months of my life is going to look like. In the meantime I am itching to get on a plane and get away. Apart from the grocery trips, culinary adventures in the house, trips to Crissy Field with Megan, and doctor’s appointments, most of my days have been spent in my house resting on the couch. I can rest anywhere and I’m mentally at a point where I would rather be resting under a palapa with an umbrella in my non-alcoholic liver metastases friendly drink.
I wonder if waiting for chemo is a metaphor for how I felt about my childhood. Moving forward into adulthood represented freedom, yet in reality most people aren’t very free from anything. You need to get a job so you can pay bills and enjoy the +/- 216 hours of waking free time you have every month. Little by little those hours get whittled away with other responsibilities. Some spend their time working on their house or at sports fields with their families. Some don’t stop working. Others give themselves the illusion of condensed time with drugs and alcohol because to them it feels good to not feel. Even more (and probably most) people spend their precious hours at home binge watching their lives away. Guys…GUYS, the next episode starts in 5 seconds, just one more before bed PLEEEEEASE! Yet, just like in childhood, people rarely take an inventory of the time they have in the moment they have it.
So what if I choose to spend my time on the couch or even under a palapa (soon…) if I need it? I think what I need to remember is that it isn’t what I am doing but more how I am while I am doing it. Acknowledging that the medical waiting game is pure hell for someone with my personality is a start. Taking an inventory of what I do on a day to day basis might also help me continue to feel a sense of accomplishment every day while I go through this. If there comes a day where I am too tired to move, then hopefully I won’t be too tired to learn, read, or type. But enough of this looking into the future right now. I think the lesson in all of this is that there is growth in sitting with the here and now.
For the record… I showered, put on makeup, left the house, saw friends, and made it to the therapist today. Now it may not be the best day ever as far as the record books are concerned but given the circumstances I’d call today a day of time well spent.
-Brynn