Reality Check
Source: Sharon McCutcheon, Unsplash
“Can you please stop by Safeway and pick up some Depends in ladies small? The diapers they have here are too big for me” was the text message I sent my Mom this morning. Never in my life would I have ever imagined I would be uttering those words at my age.
If you get queasy or grossed out easily you should probably stop reading this and skip to the next blog.
The only thing I remember from the surgery is leaving Troy and my Mom in the intake room and being rolled down the hallway. Everything else is dark. I woke up to my surgeon nudging my shoulder to wake me up in the recovery room but then rolled back to sleep. The surgery was over 5 hours long. They almost aborted it because the tumor in my colon had stuck itself to my pancreas but luckily a specialist was in the hospital and scrubbed up to help. Over 5 hours and change later and the colon tumor, nearly my entire colon, a bunch of fluid in my upper abdomen, and my ovaries are gone….and no ostomy bag.
When I finally came to later that night I was pretty shocked at how much less pain I was feeling than when I went in. I felt like myself again. Yes, I was really really sore from the surgery but I no longer felt like my body was trying to kill me. I was even able to get up and walk around the room without feeling excruciating pain after a few steps. It actually hurt less than before. I couldn’t believe it and honestly my mind is a little blown by how much pain my body was willing to take.
In the middle of the first night I had an “accident”. I rolled to my side, and felt something weird and knew it wasn’t pee because I still had a catheter in. I immediately started laughing. It was like that scene from Anchorman where Ron Burgundy looks at his dog Baxter (Oh Baxter…) and says “You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the wheel of cheese! I’m not even angry, I’m impressed!” To be honest I was a little impressed. Excluding my years as a toddler I have never experienced this. So it’s 3:00 AM and I popped up and said, “Troy! I shit the bed!” It was all fun and games until I realized I needed someone to help me get cleaned up. Then the nurse brought in some diapers and I knew that I was being taught another lesson in grace and humility.
Before I got my colon removed I had this vision of just laying here, recovering glamorously in my hospital room, and hoped I would be one of the lucky ones who didn’t get the ostomy bag. If you would have asked me yesterday how I felt I would have said I was lucky. After last night and multiple emergent wake-ups there’s a part of me that wished I got the bag. I’m feeling grumpy, vulnerable, and like my marriage has reached a new level that neither of us thought we would get to at this stage in our lives. Ironically, Troy and I even had a running joke about how we almost broke up over an argument about poop. Yet here we are today and I think we both have a new perspective on what really matters in life.
This is life, and whether we like it or not, life is messy. I also know this is temporary and that my symptoms are completely normal for someone who just had their colon removed. It’s just going to take time to heal and knowing this is helping me maintain my strength through this as I work to recover.
-Brynn