The Peeking Light

Photo by Justin Dickey on Unsplash

What does happiness look like? I initially started this post with the sentence "Depression is a bitch." I stared at what I had written for a while. I had many thoughts that were eager to get out of my head on to a piece of paper. But, a part of me prevented from writing them. I don’t believe I feared to face this about myself or avoiding acknowledging it by putting pen to paper about it, either. But I chose not to feed the thoughts further. We tend to push ourselves deeper into these states when we fixate on the feeling instead of exploring some of the reasons why, or simply letting them be. I’ve tried to control my emotions and state of being too many times to simply fail at it. And I am discovering the more I try to force the way I feel, or experience an emotion, it tends to be a short term fix with longer term consequences given that I am not letting the natural cycle of the emotion run its course. I think that is what emotional honesty entails. I also wanted to prevent myself from being depressed for being depressed. This is allowing me to focus on the core issues:  my state of mind, and the initial question.  

After Brynn's birthday, I slipped down close the level of depression I had initially experienced that I was clawing myself out over the past several months. It frightened me how quickly it had happened. I felt like I had made headway in my healing, with a sense of some acceleration to it. I had never experienced depression before... at least not in the clinical sense; therefore, all of this had been uncharted territory for me. I wasn't walking around with a sullen face. I still exercised regularly; I would say I am eating healthier than ever, and avoided drowning myself in any destructive behavior or habits. I also believe I even reached a new level of creative flow and productivity at work and other areas of my personal life. I saw friends regularly - well, as regularly as you may see them in our current times. So, it wasn't that my daily life and habits were different, or even showed an externally visible sadness. Depression has been how my eyes and mind were experiencing the world. The indifference, lack of excitement, the uninterest of looking forward to something, or the pleasure you may get from an accomplishment. I was experiencing life and things around me with a muted sound and dullness of vision - with thoughts of permanence to it. Depression was my state of existence; the way I experienced experiences.  

Living in this state, I have been reflecting on how I’ve approached healing and the idea of rediscovering happiness. I’m realizing now I’ve been equating happiness with wanting to find a sense of purpose. During Brynn's battle, I had a singular focus, and my entirety had become about her. A sense of purpose that was so deep in its personal meaning, it became the fine line between happiness and despair. Therefore, I had created a link between purpose and goals with happiness. Once that focus was gone, I started chasing happiness through wanting to accomplish things at work, as well as the cancer and educational related initiatives I had been working on. Sheryl Sandberg calls this Post Traumatic Growth in her book Option B, where many people find deeper meaning by immersing themselves with a new sense of purpose that is driven by their desires to use tragedy to make an impact for others. However, while talking to a friend recently about some of these initiatives, she asked me a very simple, yet profound question: will you find happiness once you achieve these goals?    

So, what is happiness then? I don't completely know anymore. But I’ve realized the question is slightly different than I had originally asked. I have changed the question to “what does happiness look like moving forward?” I’ve had to make this modification as I am realizing, and perhaps even coming to terms with, that my original definition of happiness is no longer there. I must redefine happiness before I can discover it again, and most likely look more inward for that discovery. What I do know is that it is not from any accomplishments, but how I want to experience the world again. Happiness, like depression, is my state of mind and how I want to experience experiences… with all the fine details.

I slip, as it’s just part of life. But, I’m trying to keep looking forward as I continue to discover who I am after all. That said, one certain thing is that my life without joy, playfulness, with a childlike curiosity and a sense of wonderment and wanderment is no life at all. At least, that is how I want to experience experiences again. Maybe that is my happiness.  

-Troy