Birthday Letter

Photo by Edward Howell on Unsplash

I asked for it... I woke up at 4am, unable to focus my thoughts on anything. It was almost like my mind was not busy, but empty desperately looking for something to fill it with. I decided to go for a run as I do, and put on our favorite artist. Of course, the shuffle, most likely controlled by you, started playing our wedding song to start with. Thank you for letting me know you’re still here with me. This was not the first time or will be the last time you will remind me that you continue to be on this journey alongside me. I started running with a similar confused state as last year, unsure which direction I’ll be heading with my relationship with this milestone. I’ve been here a few times before, and I’ve learned trying to control it is unnecessary and frankly futile. Over the past year and half, I’ve come to accept that emotions are meant to be lived. This has been allowing me to move what I tend to “control” in my head to experiencing it in my heart. I know you’re very familiar with this side of me. And then it all came out at mile 2, as an innocent passer-by friend - luckily a dear one - on a beautiful morning walk became the shoulder that allowed me to release. Sometimes words can't describe what you're really going through at that moment. Afterwards, we just stood next to one another quietly gazing at the mesmerizing Golden Gate Bridge as the sun lit up this amazing structure that we would walk to regularly, admiring its elegance and effortless beauty. It’s a gorgeous day here in the city. 

I really miss you. I can’t think of any other word that conveys how I feel. There isn’t anything specific, other than missing who you are. Today your body would’ve turned 40. Although you're not here in the physical sense, your essence, energy and spirit has continued to exist through the people you have touched, particularly me. I’ve been continuing to grow and evolve from the seeds we had planted together. I now know I must continue feeding and watering them, which was something I was unable to do last year this time. I sometimes forget to take care of it, but I always come back knowing that it's worth doing so.  

Your birthday brings a lot of positive emotions and delicious memories. But it also brings focus to this internal tension that has been with me for some time now. The tension that is desperately searching for some resolution – an understanding to why this happened. Needing something that makes you not being here today palatable. I have attached on to this concept of finding a sense of purpose that is so grand that it could’ve only happened because of the trauma I’ve experienced from losing you. Anything less than that, I will see my life as a big failure. I know you think this is as ridiculous as it sounds. But I would never claim that this process is full of logic and reason. I can hear your voice “get your shit together, Tazbaz.” Nonetheless, today is a reminder the road to that resolution is long and it may or may not ever come. Or perhaps I will just resolve things by the way I continue to live my life that espouses the principles you have left me with.   

Of course, there are always two sides to the story as I’ve been developing a new relationship with someone over the past few months. I think you would've really liked her. Actually... I really think if the two of you ever had the chance to be in a room together, you would’ve started scheming ways for world domination. And most likely succeeded in it, too, which puts a smile on my face. But more so, the relationship is bringing out your ever presence and the continued impact you're having on me, while exposing the person I am becoming. You and I had gotten to a level in our relationships where we were refining ourselves as we understood the ongoing alignment and work that was necessary to keep growing together. This was the biggest lesson I learned from our relationship, which I now understand what commitment really means. It's that commitment we made to ourselves and to each other to grow together that requires unrelenting effort, communication, patience and care. You have also taught me the lighter and gentler side of life that has allowed me to round out the edges that has driven my being for a long time. Time has been unveiling your work, and I believe it is a good one, because she regularly thanks you for who I am today. We used to say that our goal in life was to leave this planet in better shape than we came into it. I am fortunately a beneficiary of that impact you have left. There are so many people in your life that could and do say the same. This is why I am celebrating your birthday because you are still very much here and evolving through the continuation of where many of your loved ones go from here. Whether I find that grand sense of purpose or not, I will promise to live my life that would make you proud and build on what you have left.  

I want to say thank you for being born. Thank you for living the life you did. And thank you for continuing to be my guide as I navigate through mine. Happy Birthday, my love. You are always in my mind and heart.

-Troy