Baggage Claim

Photo by Chris Hardy on Unsplash

“I need you to find love again and be the partner you can be for another person. I worked really hard in trying to fix you, and I want someone else to benefit from my hard work.” These were the words she uttered that mixed a little bit of snotty laughter into our cries at that moment.     

I started dating again this past couple of months. Initially, the thought of going back into the dating world was unappealing to say the very least. I wasn’t afraid of the process that is dating, but more so struggled with reconciling the different emotional commitments you give to it in contrast to the deep emotional investment and commitment I had given to our marriage, and of course during Brynn’s cancer battle. I learned new depths of love and a bond that made the severance of it tremendously difficult and painful. It took a while before the thought of dating really even started entering my mind. I began to wonder on how am I going to spend time back in the shallow end of the pool when I had been swimming in the deep end of the ocean, not mentioning the near drowning experience in the trenches? I kept coming back to this memory of giving her a bath in the height of some of her toughest pains she was experiencing physically and emotionally. I remember the look on her face, head tilted up, eyes closed, as I poured water down her hair – I sensed her relaxation and a moment of peace that someone has when they feel completely loved and cared for. Looking at her at that moment, I vividly recall my thoughts: I can’t lose this woman! I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her, and her being became a part of mine. Coming back to today, you ask yourself the question of how do I go from the emotional heights I had experienced and from the bottom of depths I had to swim out of, to simply dating?  

The banalities of dating in my 20s, and into my 30s never really bothered me. I had found meeting new people always interesting, and used to claim that I had never had a bad date. I always learned something new and enjoyed conversations regardless if there was any interest beyond a moment two people shared a glass. But now, it felt more like I had to actively discount the emotional element of who I was becoming and will be evolving into from here on out. How do I mask a side of me that has trauma, anger and sadness from such life experience, but also has gone through a tremendous growth from a relationship from the beginning to end and beyond. I say end, but the reality is that there will never be an end to it. It's not that simple, fortunately!  

It’s been interesting to see the person I am becoming, and the things that I deem to be important when it comes to relationships – romantic or not. The way two people communicate, the rhythm of their interaction, and the value we put on being present. I, like most young adults in the dating world at the time, had “criterias.” I held on to physical and personal traits of my want and need, like the concept of change did not exist in the world we live in. But as I understand now, the way I feel around a person, and the way I look at them through the ever-evolving lens, pours on to the foundation of the relationship that can either withstand or crumble under seismic events. I tell people that what my eyes were seeing on a daily basis during Brynn's battle did not register in my mind and heart. What I continued to see was the incredibly intelligent, playful, thoughtful and beautiful person I had fallen in love with. And that is what I was fighting for. I don’t think I am having this revelation as I continue to reflect on losing Brynn, but because what I had learned about relationships by being in one with her. I first and foremost, admired and continue to admire her. I learned that admiration is not about what the person does, but how they do it. How they approach life, themselves and their personal journey. I learned that you must appreciate the person... the quirks, the finer details about who they are, good and bad. And adoration, I have found, is the way you look at them regardless of what they’re going through in life. Wanting to hold them tightly as you can’t imagine being anywhere else than in that moment.  

But one of my more profound discoveries have been about the meaning of loving someone. I had idealized the concept of love or more so chasing this idea of unconditional love. I used to hear that you have to love everything about the person you are with. What Brynn taught me, or what we taught each other was, it wasn’t just simply loving every part of the other person. It was about learning the type of love to give to a part that needed a different kind of it. The part that needed more tenderness, or more support. The parts that needed to feel safe, cared for, desired, or simply understood and accepted. And sometimes, the parts that you did not like very much, but needed your love the most. Throughout our relationship, we genuinely tried to learn and understand about the scars that came with the other person. Scars that were not caused by us, but were very much part of the relationship. We were in a relationship with all parts of the other person, and had to deal with the nuances that made us, well us. We’re complex creatures, and that required love that is complex and evolving while the two people changed together.  

Bringing it back to today, dating again is allowing me to realize the growth that has been culminating through my struggles with grief, depression, feelings of guilt, to understanding the natural part of growth from this experience that comes with time - the change in how my eyes, mind and heart perceives the world. But also the discoveries I am making about what I learned from Brynn and our relationship. I continue to have moments of sadness that comes through a memory, a happy thought, but more importantly because I don’t have this incredible person in this world that I admired, appreciated and adored. But I am learning how to live with that side of me, instead of allowing it to impede on my desire to be happy. Of all the emotions that could teach me something about myself, guilt has been the best teacher in allowing me to take stock in how far I have come. Initially, it was feeling guilty of a moment of happiness, laughter, or even looking forward to something. How can I feel this way knowing I can’t share it with the person I wanted to the most? Then came the morning I woke up next to someone for the first time since the last morning when that someone was Brynn. This led to an obsessive day of watching all of Brynn’s Instagram videos – desperately trying to reconnect with a living part of her. And finally, there came affection directed towards a new person. I pondered was I affectionate enough with Brynn throughout our relationship? Can I have told her that I loved her more, or hugged her enough to show how much? It’s hard to think about the answers without being overwhelmed by regret.          

There was an extended period where I felt I was filling up the bags again that Brynn helped me empty throughout our journey. Lugging around this new baggage not able to understand the weight of it. But now I am realizing some of the items in these bags are turning into things that may be worth carrying around. They’re allowing me to explore new areas in my journey that perhaps I was not clothed for.  

I think about Brynn daily, and there are days when I yearn to experience her sense of humor, laugh and simply her being. Some of these moments give me a smile, and other times sadness. And I certainly don’t know when/if some of the pain I still feel will ever dissipate. What I do know, she would approve and be happy to where I am today.  

-Troy