A Tale of Two ....

I am in a state of transition. A transition from living with grief to living with trauma. Trauma seems to have a more permanent feel to it. It’s becoming a defining part of who I am today and who I will most likely to become tomorrow. It has its own journey, but there isn’t a destination, unfortunately. It simply exists as a part of me and appears to be influencing how I am looking at the world, experiencing life, decisions I make and perspectives I have. It has taken on a personality of its own. And if I were to personify it, I would say it’s a much older version of me. A version that is full of anger, complexities, guilt and regrets, living with a heavy heart that is trying to make sense and amends with life. That version of me is trying to find harmony with who I am today as there is natural conflict to our existence.   

Over the past couple of years, the two personalities have been desperately trying to resolve their conflict. It has not been easy, as they’re driven by a set of realities that makes the reconciliation difficult. One side of me is living and loving again. I have rediscovered playfulness and curiosity and have been looking at the wide-open road ahead of me with semi-youthful eyes. But I am constantly tampered down with the realities, fragility and sometimes finality of life. I live with a reminder of how quickly happiness can be taken away, and the trepidation and anger that resurfaces from that reality. What it boils down to is my relationship with life has changed because of my relationship with death. I simply put, live with death now. This is one of the more complex thoughts I’ve encountered in my life - the meaning evolves and takes you into all different directions.  

It started with thinking about my own mortality. I don’t believe a 45-year-old should be burdened by these thoughts, and this is where the conflict begins. I had been questioning my purpose here on earth and the importance and relevance I have to it. It’s hard to start thinking about yourself, your life in the context and timeline of the universe- seeing yourself as a tiny dot that will be forgotten when that dot disappears. Do I try to grow that dot, and will it still matter? The adage life goes on takes a painful reality that I live with day in and day out. And turning that on myself has taken me on an existential roller coaster ride. 

   “Meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” - Pablo Picasso  

This notion of legacy.... This is where the fractious relationship between the two personalities come to a truce. Through traumatic events in my life, I have battle scars that has left me with a hard-won wisdom that has been guiding me through many fronts and relationships. The delicateness of life has changed the way I love, the way I communicate, the way I appreciate moments, and the way I focus less on the thought of how I will be remembered after I’m gone. I was starting each day with the goal of finding meaning and a sense of purpose for the better part of past two years. Now I’m more focused on how do I want to live and feel each day and whom have I impacted regardless of how small it might have been.    

This is a hard realization to accept as this idea of chasing a legacy and size of that dot, initially, was attached to Brynn and belief that whatever may come out of me only could’ve happened because of losing her and the subsequent trauma. I was desperately searching for a sense of purpose so grand that it had to equal the suffering I was experiencing. The old man in me who was looking for that legacy to leave in this world, was looking at my present to make it happen – the present that has the energy, the drive and the desire to do so. But I am realizing the old man’s legacy is having me live out my life with the lessons I am learning from him that changes how I am approaching life, love, friendship and the big road that is ahead of me.  

Last year, Brynn had celebrated her 40th birthday. Although, she was not here physically, I am beginning to believe death extends one’s existence much longer than their time on earth. It’s extended by the people she impacted. It’s extended because of how she lived her life; how she made people feel and the stories she is remembered by. It's those micro-impacts she made in people’s lives and the smile she puts on all our faces is her legacy. And that legacy is extended by me and many others.    

I can’t change the trauma I’m living with. I can’t change the person I’m becoming because of it. I can only try to use the energy I have to redirect it away from the pain and anger that I live with, towards giving away the gift I’m discovering I possess. The gift that comes from trauma that pushes me to live and love with a greater sense of awareness, delicateness and intent from one day to the next. And that gift may only impact a small number of people who will eventually remember me because how I lived, made them feel and the stories they will tell about me that puts a smile on their face. I am ok with that. Because let’s face it, living life is a massive goal on itself that I’m not sure I have the capacity to take on more beyond that. 

-Troy