A birthday letter to you...
Photo by Mediamodifier on Unsplash
The term flooded with emotions come to mind as I sit here on your birthday. But the waters are calmer this year. I’m still getting thrown around as the ever-changing direction of the currents represent the confluence of emotions that pulls me in one way or the other. But I’m no longer fearful of drowning. I’m not desperately trying to keep my head above the water. I’ve relaxed my body knowing that I’m eventually going to float back into the calmer, peaceful parts of this river we call life.
The reality is the turbulent waters don’t come in patches that are aligned to specific days. They’re part of my everyday. They’re just not as violent as they had been over the past 2.5 years and I've come to live with those stretches.
Now where do I even begin? I miss you. I miss everything about you. But what I miss the most is the opportunity to create more memories together that I could remember you by. It’s a funny concept as I am creating new memories of us, but they’re purely driven by reliving existing ones. Like remembering how I felt last year on your birthday, desperately trying to feel your energy, your essence. A precious moment that we had together reappearing for me to experience again. And remembering which stories were told sitting around a table with people who loved and cherished you very much. Those stories that tend to have a living nature to them as each telling adds a new detail or sometimes embellishment that usually ends with a big laughter. The experience of remembering your joyous, crazy, loving sides and that infectious laughter still brings a lot of lightness into my life. And I still love feeding those memories that injects life into them.
I got a lot of questions about my feelings on your birthday today. The only word that even comes close to describing it is "complex." It was two years ago when I received a candid picture of the two of us that captured perfectly what we were together. I was on a video call with the person who had sent over the picture that I was seeing for the first time when I just started crying. At 9 years old, she looked confused as to why I was crying to this incredibly playful moment that was beautifully captured and was meant to bring joy into my life. And it did, but at the expense of my heart that was heavy knowing that I couldn’t have more candid moments with you. Every day since, but more acutely on days like your birthday, is like reliving that moment the first time I saw that picture. The twinkle in my eye that comes from thinking about you that gets watered down because I don't have you.
The funny thing is today doesn't heighten those emotions, but it becomes a day I face what is going inside my head and heart openly. It becomes a day that my only birthday present to you is the emotional honesty you wanted from me. And because of that, your birthday is becoming a self-reflection of myself because you're still very much living inside of me. The way I am living my life that has your eyes, hands and your soul guiding me through the discovery of who I am becoming, where I am going and who I need to be to the people I love. I am slowly beginning to accept and like the person whom you left me with, because I know how much of that person is reflective of you.
And so, I just want to say happy birthday, my sweet Brynnly, and tell you there isn't a day that goes by that I don't celebrate your birth, because I continue to celebrate your life.
-Troy