What's in a warrior?

Source: Tim Foster, Unsplash

Ever since my diagnosis I’ve had people tell me that I am a warrior and so strong for going through this. I am flattered for the kind words but I don’t feel that way. I feel like the universe dealt me a deck of cards and I am going through the motions day after day to get through it.

Cancer affects everyone in different ways. For the first few months of this experience I spent a lot of time frustrated because I didn’t look or feel like every other cancer patient I’ve seen. Granted, my benchmark was breast cancer patients largely because the disease is so prevalent and the chemo side effects are so public. I imagined myself as being independent enough where I could go about my normal life. I wanted to take yoga for cancer classes and join support groups, but unfortunately my side effects prevented me from doing so.

At my worst I was making arrangements with my acupuncturist and therapist to come see me at my house. The thought of walking more than a few steps down my stairs seemed unbearable. I also needed my Mom or Troy to help me with small things like bathing. I went from being fully independent to being completely dependent on the people around me so I could function. I am not the warrior. The real warriors in this story are Troy and my Mom. Their commitment and dedication to helping me build back my spirit has been like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

Before the illness my Mom and I didn’t have a great relationship. It wasn’t bad, but it was one where we saw each other a few times a year and called each other on holidays. Now I can’t imagine my life without her. When she is at home I now find myself randomly wanting to call her just to chat. No pretense, no holiday planning, just a daughter calling her mom to say hi.

Troy and I had a great relationship before the illness. It had its ups and downs as you would expect any newly married couple to have as we work together to find our feet in marriage but we were grounded in our common goals, love for skiing, and our amazing friendships. Now I feel like I know Troy at a much deeper level. The ups and downs have evolved into fear, grief, sadness, joy, laughter, and finding humor in the fact that we’re dealing with problems neither of us thought we’d experience until we were old. We know each other better now than I think we’ve ever known another person. I appreciate him for what he does every day and every kiss he gives me makes me love him that much more.

Heroes and warriors to me are the pillars of support. They are the ones advocating for me when I can’t help myself. They are the ones who make me food so that I get the nutrition I need. They are the ones who rub my feet with no question when they see my ankles blown up. They are everything to me.

Over the last month I’ve hit a number of milestones. I can bathe and feed myself. A small feat but huge for me considering two months ago I could barely walk to the fridge without wanting to pass out. I can enjoy dinner with friends without having to lay down 5 minutes into the meal. Stairs are a non-issue. I am starting to walk longer distances and without knowing it logged 2 miles the other day while I was window shopping. Getting dressed by myself before my CT scan and walking in without a wheelchair is also something I realized was new at the moment I was doing it.

One of the many nurses I’ve had the pleasure to get to know said something to me that has stuck and since become my mantra for how I want to approach this disease. She said, “Cancer isn’t a guaranteed death sentence, it’s a chronic illness that people need to learn to live with and ultimately thrive.”

Looking at this as a chronic illness has made me feel braver through the hard days. The last month hasn’t been difficult for me mentally but physically it’s wearing on me and causing a lot of pain. I remind myself daily that with every chronic illness there are challenges that need to be managed. I’m nearly certain once I get this fixed some other annoying side effect will pop up but I’m not there yet and there’s no use ruminating over something that doesn’t exist.

For now I think of my warriors and the love they have given me and soak up feelings of love and gratitude.

-Brynn