The Drive
Photo by Peter Mizsak on Unsplash
Brynn and I took our first big trip since her diagnosis, and we had a great time in Sun Valley celebrating many things:
Visiting the place where we first realized we loved each other. It will always be that special place, and I loved seeing it during the summer. It’s been our winter wonderland until now.
Celebrate our friends Heather and Sean’s wedding.
It represented a major milestone towards Brynn’s recovery.
We actually had two goals we had set for the summer, with one being our friends Elena and Kipling’s wedding celebration, which we were unable to make it due to Brynn’s medical condition at that time. Thus, being able to make this one meant a lot. Of course, it did not start off as planned, given our 9am Thursday flight was canceled at 10pm the night before. After trying to work things out with the airline, we said screw it, and decided on an impromptu road trip. This was the right decision as we spent time, between her naps, enjoying being with each other away from our daily activities between hospital visits, treatments, and work, etc... I always felt that being able to go on a fun road trip with someone is a good test on compatibility. We have gone on numerous ones, and it never gets old. I would say it was the first road trip in Germany that started this relationship to begin with.
Being able to take a trip outside of the bubble we had been living in for the past 6 months was amazing, but more so needed to fuel our relationship a bit, too. And that we did... We talked a lot about the future; about what she wants to focus on post cancer; about our next home and lifestyle (we want mountain living), and of course our next dopey dog named Baxter. Brynn has a fascinating mind, and I’ve always enjoyed conversing with her. We were also excited to be able to wish her mother a happy birthday in person, who has been by our side throughout, providing an incredible amount of support.
However, the highlight for me over the weekend was watching her socialize at our friend’s wedding with wonderful people we had met over the two-day festivities. I got to experience the woman I had fallen in love with be her natural self. There was no cancer talk, but just conversations about career, friendship, relationships, motivations, and simply about life. I sat back briefly and just took it in, as you take these moments when you can. We couldn’t stay at the wedding the entire time, as we do have limits that we live within; nonetheless, celebrating the new chapter in Heather and Sean’s story had an additional meaning.
Given that we had driven to Sun Valley, what I had not factored in to the equation was having to drive back… So, I hit the road on Sunday at 3am local time. I figured with the additional hour I would gain heading west, I can bypass all of the traditional bay area weekend traffic if I can get through Sacramento in a reasonable time – I kept it under 90mph this leg.
One of the side effects of Brynn’s new medication has been a sleep pattern that causes her eyes to remain slightly open, and an in-and-out of dreamlike state that borderlines hallucination. This has been causing me with some anxiety lately, as it is eerily similar to when she was in critical care back in late May through June. I realized I have some emotional scars from that period that I have not dealt with. And they resurfaced in the form of anxiety and fear that has been occupying my nights, including our time in Sun Valley. So, I was a bit tired getting on the road, and may have had residual thoughts that I got to ignore during our busy weekend.
That said, I’ve always loved driving since the first time I “borrowed” my grandfather’s car as a barely teenager. It represented freedom to go and do anything. Getting behind the wheel that early gave me that feeling again, as it was me and the big open road all to myself. I hit 80 west, approximately at 5am, and the highway of nothingness started giving its way to my mind filling up with thoughts and emotions. I had turned off music some time ago as it was beautifully quiet outside.
What should’ve been a moment of happiness, reflecting on the wonderful weekend we just had, started turning towards regret of leaving Brynn back in Sun Valley, where she would be flying back home with her mom on Tuesday. I started hyperventilating, similar to my experience when we first found out about her cancer diagnosis. I kept sinking more and more into this feeling of being lost, scared and guilt of leaving her side. Against my hardest attempt to control tears from coming out, I just started crying. And then I let out a loud scream: FUCK... FUUUUUUUCK!!!!
Throughout this journey, I have not displayed much anger towards our situation. Part of it was that we lived in a state of crisis for the first few months, and that emotion would’ve been counterproductive. The other part was my disposition around anger not changing the reality; therefore, in my mind I was avoiding it from controlling my being. This is where I believe I made a judgement error about the difference of being angry, a very valid emotion, as part of my sadness towards Brynn’s condition and our current life vs. getting angry at the day-to-day things you have to deal with. I certainly mastered anger control in the context of a caregiver. But I think I have let the natural stress and anger towards cancer build up with no release. I don’t think I can truly express, in writing, my anger at cancer for what it has been doing to Brynn and how it has altered the life of a newly married couple who is 42 and 38 years old. It physically and emotionally sucks the life out of the person as you watch. But she is ferociously fighting this thing! She fights the side effects; the excruciating pain on a daily basis, while choosing not to suffer from them. But more so, what she fights is not letting cancer take away her will to stop fighting. Her entire demeanor at the wedding was someone who did not let cancer control her being.
The weekend served as a reminder of our fragile state, and what is at stake. I don’t want to lose the woman I love. I want to have many more opportunities to admire her wit, intellect and luminous nature. Her essence was able to shine a bit again, and it was a sobering, but fueling experience to keep doing whatever I can to support her in this battle.
What is continuing to drive me is hope. Hope is about a vision. A vision of who we are, and where I want to be with Brynn in years to come. A vision of the journey that is going to get us there and beyond. I don’t know how much pressure I released during this drive, but it felt good for a moment to let out my anger at cancer for trying to derail our road trip together.
-Troy