Leaving the bubble.

Source: Sebastian Pichler, Unsplash

My Mom warned me that the transition from the hospital to home might be hard. I had it in my head that it would be no different than when I had had my wisdom teeth out, or even the colonoscopy. I felt great in the hospital and it’s my home, nothing to worry about right?

My friend Jen picked us up from the hospital and I could feel myself getting progressively more uncomfortable on the car ride home but kept quiet because I wanted to feel normal. When we arrived, I let the dog out and walked up the stairs. I felt a little weak but I felt like I checked another box for physical activity for the day and could rest. Everything seemed fine until I went to the bathroom and passed a large amount of bright red blood. The blood was a milestone I should have met two days ago…. It should be dark, not bright….something was wrong and I started to panic. First I called Troy to let him know something was wrong and that I needed him to come home and then I called the nurse at the hospital but they didn’t answer so I left a voicemail. An hour went by and I called again before the nurse’s office closed at 5. Troy called me again on his way home and I snapped at him mid-panic because I didn’t have any answers.

I thought taking a CBD gummy would help me take the edge off for a nap but it had the opposite effect. The trace THC in the gummy wasn’t the pain relieving kind. It was the makes you can feel everything kind as the dose started to kick in…and by everything I mean EVERYTHING. I felt my heart pounding, the blood throbbing through my veins, the pain from my sutures, and as I woke up from my nap I could feel the world closing in around me and I thought I was dying.

I was having a panic attack.

The universe works in really weird ways. Decisions I made months ago have started to prove incredibly valuable for me in my life right now. I signed up for a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class back in January because I thought it would help me be a more effective leader and be better equipped to handle the stress and chaos of my job. I basically spent every Wednesday night for 8 weeks learning to associate outside stressors with feelings in my body and rebooted my meditation practice. I did notice a change. It was remarkable actually. Things that used to rattle me no longer wound me up and I was now able to stop, question a feeling or belief, and consider it before I stressed out about it. My stress reduced and even better the way I looked at challenges in my life shifted.

Back to the panic attack. As I was laying there on the couch half asleep, half awake, reeling from feeling every part of my body I stopped and remembered this class. I remembered that the best way to get out of a stressful panicky situation like this was to unpack this and start asking what could be making me feel this way. So I did. I started by taking ten deep breaths. That brought the body pain back to my baseline. Then I evaluated what else could be making me feel this way. The ride home was bumpier than I had experienced in the last 5 days, this probably shook up my insides and caused some bleeding. The CBD gummy was probably not helping with my physical and emotional paranoia. The last 5 days I have been in a bed where an immediate response from a nurse was a button push away, so no more instant answers and calming angels around me to remind me that what I was experiencing was normal. Then I remembered my discussion with my Mom about the hospital bubble and this wave of calm poured over me. It was a lot of change for one day but I knew I was going to be ok. My Mom and I also talked about the experience and she validated that what I was feeling was normal. About an hour later Troy walked in and I apologized for getting snappy with him on the phone. A few minutes later one of the ER nurses called me back and let me know that was I experienced was typical for the first day home. In other words, I was going to be ok.

Yesterday reminded me again that the stories we tell ourselves and the inputs we take in from the outside can be pretty powerful stressors. It’s not the stories or inputs themselves but how one chooses to react to that stress that makes the biggest difference. The transition home wasn’t easy but as I sit here today I can say that it is one I am happy I made. It felt great to sleep in my own bed and sleep next to my husband again. Home is healing and leaving the bubble was just another milestone I needed to pass to get here.

-Brynn