Fluidity
Source: Taylor Davis, Unsplash
Fluidity… is the word that has been governing my existence from early beginnings. I think it’s been partly my upbringing and partly my personality where I’ve approached life with the belief that I get to morph the path I flow through. So, it’s really being fluid with an element of control. Think of a river bank that changes shape without changing the destination – one’s true north, or south in the case. With enough time, energy, and persistence, you can reshape life’s topography, and create a new path along the flow’s journey. The key part of this paragraph is the controlled aspect of flow.
Our new reality has both benefited from, but also challenged my core state of being. I get to lean on my ability to seamlessly change direction and adopt at providing Brynn the type of support she needs and when she needs it. But struggle with the concept of not having any control or input into the change in direction. When you think about it, only the cancer has full control of the current situation.
So what are the drivers of our need to be in control, particularly in a situation like this? I had to unpack this a bit, and am settling on fear being the main one. I am fearful of the unknown. I am fearful of not being supportive enough, or truly know how to support or provide the type of care she will need in the first place. I am fearful of not having any ability to correct the problem – I am a small cog in a giant process that will work towards curing Brynn. And that’s making me want to control the environment more than usual. What I am also realizing is that control is nothing more than an illusion that makes us rigid towards life, which conflicts with my governing principle of fluidity. I am learning a hard but timely lesson that we simply do not have control of the macro aspects of our existence. It’s the micro elements of our lives that allows us to approach things with a sense of humility and grace – both will be required of me as I support Brynn through this period in her life.
Challenges in life can come in the most inopportune times, like 6 months after your wedding. The prevailing internal sentiment is that I don’t remember this being in the program. However, when you strip away that fact, you come to the conclusion that I’m more equipped to handle this curve ball than any other point in my life. And regardless of the ups and down we’re about to experience
It’s part of our reality; therefore, valid
Painful things happen all the time. Suffering comes from how you deal with them
She is worth fighting everything that gets thrown our way. And I will work on growing up quickly to take on the challenge as a pillar of support
Life continuously throws lessons your way – I am not sure what this one is yet – and requires you to take an inventory of yourself while going through the motions. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have had the maturity, flexibility or resolve to go through such experience in my younger years. But the reality is, I was not even ready to be in a committed relationship at that point. And what last month has taught me is that commitment has many levels, as I am discovering. Part of being in a committed relationship is letting go of control, as you cannot have fear driving how you approach the relationship, particularly in times like this.
-Troy