Colonoscopy eve.

Photo credit: Nicole Honeywill, Unsplash

It was supposed to happen on Thursday but they moved it to tomorrow. I know, I know, I’m supposed to be positive about this and view this as a blessing because I get my test results a few days sooner but I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed because I planned on ordering a raw vegan organic wrap from Uber eats for lunch and now I get to enjoy drinking water for the rest of the day. I had also planned to have my wonderful girlfriends over for dinner but clearly that’s not happening now. Needless to say they understood my reason for cancelling.

The weird thing I’ve learned about getting diagnosed with cancer is that nothing seems to happen as quickly or in the way you want it. The Monday I learned I had cancer I figured everything would go fast. They would find me a doctor, I’d get in, and wham bam, chemo starts, cancer zapped, move on and forward. The reality has been a series of calls, more calls, and more waiting than I had ever anticipated. I was told I would wait up to two weeks for a gastroenterology appointment and then only then could I get on the list for an appointment for an oncologist which would be upwards of 3 weeks. Meanwhile this thing inside me continues to grow like an alien baby.

It wasn’t until my Dad told his good friend what was going on last week that I even got a path into my oncologist. His friend made a call to another friend who runs a national cancer support group who in turn called my now oncologist to get me fast tracked into the biopsy. Evidently being 37 years old with a tumor bigger than a golf ball in my colon makes me special. Who knew?Besides being incredibly grateful and fortunate to have people in my life connected to cancer care and support it also made me pause to think about how many other people with diagnoses have been in this position and had to suffer through the waiting game? It seems unimaginable and makes me wonder if this is just the way our healthcare system is designed to work. More on that in a future blog. Back to the colon cleanse.

I’m not feeling entirely rosy about the thought of being sedated vs. completely knocked out for this. I have this mental image of this being like going in for a really really horrible pap smear that makes me feel violated and like I want to puke. Everyone over 50 has to do this annually right? Do colons have nerve endings? Does cancer feel pain? When they take the biopsy will I feel it? If I’m half awake can I at least watch the play by play on video?

Fear and anxiety is a funny thing. All of these questions hit me at once until I reminded myself that if I don’t do this I will die. I’ve been telling myself that a lot over the last week. If I don’t get treatment I will die. If I don’t change my diet I will die. If I don’t take a good long hard look at my health and well-being outside of the hour per day I spend at the gym I will die. If I don’t change my relationship to my priorities in life including stress, work, and my career I will probably die. It sounds morbid and admittedly a bit dramatic but the thought of my own mortality is weirdly what I needed to calm down and relax about the process. It also reminded me that the health of my body, mind, and spirit is the singular most important thing in my life that I must focus on to heal. The meditation might have helped too.

So when all of you lovelies are sitting down with your family this evening for dinner just picture me looking like Harry from Dumb and Dumber and send positive vibes and best wishes for tomorrow. I’m going to need it.

-Brynn

Source: New Line Home Entertainment (Firm). (2005). Dumb and dumber. United States: Alliance Atlantis.