Years ago I received one of the best compliments after leading an extended, and sometimes contentious business negotiation. It was from one of the executives on the other side of the table, who wrote to me afterwards that “true success is when you can’t differentiate someone at work or at play.” I had never thought of that side of me in work context, as I had prided myself as being a tough negotiator. But I started realizing this was one of my core characteristics I brought into my personal and business life after all. It was the way I approached life. So, it’s not surprising part of my depression was driven by the fear I felt that I had lost this side of me. And that loss drove my feelings of indifference and my eyes to look at the world with a dulling lens.

People evolve as life brings new experiences, different perspectives from those experiences, and new outlook given the perspective. It is impossible to remain the same person, particularly after a life changing event that leaves you questioning the reason for things, including purpose of life. But there are core characteristics of each of us that defines who we are. For the past 9 months I was not seeing the person I come to have known over 43 years. This is a tremendously difficult place to be in when you look in the mirror and have to ask yourself, "who am I after all of this?" A simple question that I could not answer. It was a tremendously difficult place to be for someone who had a pretty good sense of self.

When I set out on this journey, I didn't have a specific intention or goal in mind. I wanted to explore, and given the current world order, I had limited options. The journey I took was out of necessity initially, but it turned out to be the type of journey that was perfect for where I am in life. I connected to these natural wonders, but more importantly, I became a student along the way to their lessons. The subject was me... And what they were teaching me was my connection to them was really about my connection to myself. The way I experienced the world. The way I looked at them each day as my lens adjusted with the perception about myself. Not all days were filled with a positive spirit and moments of awe. I had beautiful moments but also moments of struggle as they exposed a side of me that needs time, needs space as I continue to heal. Nature teaches that transformation is inevitable. But it comes with time; it comes with patience, and it comes with letting go of the things that it does not have control over. Nature adjusts itself as it accepts and goes along with its environment. It becomes wiser as it weathers storms, heat and cold, and whatever the environment throws at it as it changes, but remains present. But in the end, it finds harmony with itself and environment, and that is its beauty.

Yes, I learned a lot from them. But will I remember as life continues? The Canyon was intense and self reflective. It reminded me it is ok to be damaged, imperfect, vulnerable and exposed, and sometime just lost, but to push through. Zion showed me how to see beauty again; how to find harmony with my environment. But more importantly it reminded me what love truly is. I had fun with Bryce Canyon, as there was lightness, silliness and laughter with it. Sun Valley taught me that it's ok to see where my relationship with it can go from here. To not hold on to what it meant, but to add to what it means. I learned slowing down is about appreciating each moment we have in life, and to be ok with detours because you don’t know what you will experience along them. The Glacier taught me that to enjoy the peacefulness it provided in abundance, I had to be in peace with myself first. But it also told me that it's ok to stare at a blank piece of paper sometimes with nothing to write. The empty pages will remain there for me to create my next story when I’m ready. Whatever that story will be. And then there was South Sister... We played together. I simply played again.

I recently asked the question "what is happiness?" I am still discovering what it looks like from here on out. But what I’ve learned on this trip is that its discovery is not dependent on whether I accept losing Brynn. It's not a linear sequence that in order for me to find happiness I have to let go of her. They can co-exist, because she is a part of me. After all she made this journey happen. Happiness, like everything else I’ve encountered, is an evolving concept. So instead of chasing it, I’m learning to let it simply be available to me by the way I want to live my life; the way I want to look at the world. Because even if I catch it, it may no longer be what I was looking for.

But more importantly, I am rediscovering parts of me that was lost. Parts of me that I really need at this point of my life. Coincidentally, - I don’t think so - our wedding vows to each other included the promise to never lose our playfulness. I am going to keep that promise.

-Troy

Day 28: The Reflection