To My Love

Brynn Courtny Fowler
1981 - ∞

The brightest of lights never fade. They keep on shinning through the wisdom and energy that remains.

You have left a profound mark on this world and your beautiful spirit will illuminate us forever.

Last weekend I went up to Sonoma to the place Brynn and I were married. This place was one of our wonderful getaway spots as we were developing our relationship, where we were married, and a place that became our sanctuary getaway during Brynn’s battle with cancer. It was a place built on care and love coming from our dear friends, where many indelible memories we had created stretched much longer than the rough road we were on for the six-month battle.  It was hard being there, and I was unable to stay the night as I had plans to do so, driving back after spending a needed quality time with my friends who have been a pillar that I’ve been leaning on throughout. When I got home, I took off my wedding ring.  

I didn’t just like being married. I loved being married to Brynn. But the symbol of what the wedding ring represented was becoming a harsh reminder of what I no longer had, and what I am missing and longing for every day. Nothing in life is static, and what was once comforting started turning into a feeling of desolation. To that end, I realized that it’s not the physical objects that symbolized our marriage or defined our relationship. It was what we had together that was so much more than a ring would be able to convey. The ring was another way of holding on to the tangible aspects of our marriage, but I did not want to have a negative emotional response towards it either. Grieving has been about recognizing and living the different emotional experiences while adjusting your responses to them. The ring is now where it belongs: right next to Brynn’s.   

Over the past few months, and particularly the last month, I have been searching for answers that will provide some sort of meaning to what had happened. I’ve been desperately trying to discover and understand the “why?” An endless pursuit of a fruitless endeavor as an answer would not serve the ultimate purpose of bringing Brynn back in to my life.  What I am finding out is that perhaps there are no answers or reasons, and certainly no moral to the story that would allow me to explore why this had happened. Perhaps what I was really searching for through my grieving process and the writing was the meaning of our relationship; why we came together, and who we were and are before and after all this. Today, I am trying to pivot to the “what” and “how” part of the discovery - what did I learn from my relationship with Brynn, and how do I parlay and build on it for the continuation of my journey? We talk about honoring someone after they leave us by celebrating their lives in many different ways. For me, honoring and celebrating Brynn is about continuing on my journey with the lessons I’ve learned through her and our relationship as the guide, while cherishing the moments, the memories and her beautiful spirit remaining in my heart and mind. 

Ever since Brynn’s passing, I’ve continued to write, and publish some of the writings on this blog, which took a different path from the original intent. There became an element to the writing that was really meant for one person as I mourn the incredible loss for that same person. Jamie Anderson once wrote:  

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”    

Our writing was about our love story...  The love that was built on vulnerability, honesty, commitment, our perfections and imperfections. The love that allowed us to transcend our limitations as individuals to become better as part of a unit. Love that kept on pushing the boundaries in the face of adversity and in good times. And the love that did go many places and more.  I may never be fully resigned to losing Brynn. But I will not wonder what loving someone with all of your heart, soul, and to your core feels like. I hope as she reads this, she knows how fully loved she really was and is.   

The very last thing I whispered to her before she became unconscious was that all I want is to keep telling the story - the story of the exact moment I knew that I loved her. I will conclude the story that is Millennial with Cancer with this:  

It was 5 months into our relationship that I saw her sing for the first time. I was surprised that she had never spoken about her background as a trained classical and jazz singer. I think she did not want to embarrass me during my attempts to serenade her. 

We were visiting Sun Valley for Christmas break, when her mother’s friend got up on the piano in the lodge’s bar and asked her to join. With some reservation, humility and grace, she joined him and they decided to play “Misty.” Unbeknownst to her, this was one of my favorite jazz songs. When she started singing, the jovial bar full of flowing booze and holiday spirit got very quiet. After people requested her to sing another one, this lady came up to us and told Brynn that her autistic son who was sitting at the bar playing on his phone the entire night stopped, put it down, and turned around to listen to her sing. Then she looked at me and said I was a lucky guy. I replied I know. 
 
When I get asked when did I know she was my person, I tell this story. I realized this was the moment I loved her. Not because of the singing or the romantic moment. But because of the long list of things I simply admired about her this moment got added to. Someone I simply admired. This is how I will always remember my love, Brynn...  

Today marks a month... and in trying to keep the true spirit of a millennial, I say release a balloon in the air with a wish for Brynn, or send a flower down a body of water, or simply raise a glass and give a toast to this amazing person. If you capture the moment tag Millennial with Cancer on instagram to share. You can also comment on this blog with a story you would like to remember her by. Write a wish for her to read, or make a commitment to yourself or to someone that you would like to share anonymously or not so anonymously, or not share at all. Simply celebrate Brynn and her amazing life by living life!  

Much love to you all, and thank you for being on this journey with us.  

-Troy