Professor of Emotion

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Billy Joel once said “don’t go changing” which I believe he might’ve written it about his future wife, Christie Brinkley – totally get such sentiment. The reality is that relationships and circumstances change, and it’s up to the individual to adapt to those changes as life unfolds. 

I’ve been a lifelong student and fan of behavioral psychology; wanting to understand why we do what we do, and perhaps develop the ability to adjust behavior with that knowledge that comes with it. Perhaps this is from being in therapy all my life. First, it was imposed by my parents as a youngster as they’re behavioral psychologists. And then came court ordered mandatory therapy as an adult (for the literal folks out there, this is a joke). However, due to my immersion in the area for so long, it had developed into an intellectual pursuit in understanding my emotions and behavior. At one point, one of my dear friend who was getting his PhD from MIT with a dissertation titled “Ultra fast laser something something Quantum Computing something something” said that I’m one of the best people to talk about their emotions, but he did not think I knew how to emote. And like that, I had hit rock bottom from my endless pursuit to become the most “intellectual feeler in the world.”  

Behavior, feelings, emotions are highly complex and sometimes hard to understand. When you add the element of two people in a relationship, that complexity increases significantly and becomes even more dynamic. Then you add in an uncontrollable circumstance such as cancer, and the complexity goes through an unimaginable roof that’s hard to envision unless you are or have dealt with it. No one can ever prep you for such experience for you to develop behavioral and/or emotional response to the event. I’ve been lucky to have wonderful people to connect with that either went or are going through a similar event with their spouse since finding out about Brynn’s diagnosis. It's been very helpful to talk about emotions I have been dealing with, but the reality is every situation, response and struggle are unique given the dynamics of the couple’s relationship. Some have kids, which creates a tremendous bond, others have years and years of relationship under their belt. The only common theme is the spouse’s feelings of guilt, helplessness, inadequacy and being lost in the new reality.  

This is where I think my intellectual curiosity about behavior, emotions and relationship is somewhat helping with coping strategies, and allowing me to devise ways to balance myself in order to remain stable for Brynn. And I have to be honest, I really have a hard time keeping the balance at all times. As cancer becomes our new reality, I’ve been having to make sense of my current state, our relationship dynamic, and the emotional journey that I’ve been on. For me to understand things, I had to reflect on the development of a relationship.  

When you think about individuals coming together, we all start the dynamic with focus of “I.” The “I” comes with priorities and needs such as career, friends, hobbies, etc... They’re fairly separate in this phase, and the contribution of priorities in your life circle is subject to change fast and often.

As I’ve written in a previous post called “The Agreement,” the “I” of two people in the relationship slowly starts fusing to create an overlapping area called “we.” These are goals, dreams, and life values you end up sharing with your person. In a healthy relationship, this intersection almost becomes an equal part of the collective symmetry.  

The hardest thing for me that came out in an event like what Brynn and I have been experiencing is the change in the symmetry. Both of us had to significantly change our focus and priorities. For Brynn, I believe her circle mostly went back to being focused on “I” with very little overlapping area for her to prioritize or focus on. She also had to remove most priorities in her daily life, except for one: fighting and beating this thing. This is completely understandable from the point of view of fight or flight response. The “we” area becomes much less important under the circumstance, and the spouse’s “I” ends up becoming “them.” Depending on how much the spouse allows this swing to happen, events like Sunday Drunk Day becomes an unhealthy part of their coping mechanism that stems from not releasing the pressure as it starts building up with the new responsibility as a caregiver. I admit, I was the spouse that succumb to Sunday Drunk Day. It seemed liked the right thing to do at the time.   

I’ve personally really struggled with the sudden change in our lives, not knowing how to adjust and balance my personal being to my relationship being. I’ve used words like lost, scared, helpless to describe my feelings. Everyone tells me that I have to remain stable for her. I have for the most part took on that stance, but that does not mean it has been easy to remain that way at all times. I just have to find other outlets, which I’ve failed so far, to help deal with those feelings and stressors. I think part of the problem is that no one is ever ready for such event, and when it does hit you, you end up swinging the pendulum so far to the caregiver side of things that you lose your balance that is managed through personal priorities you have set as an individual and as part of a unit. The big risk I face and speak about is how to avoid developing animosity and resentment towards the situation that may end up manifesting in similar feelings towards Brynn. These are hypothetical behavioral responses based on previous traits that I’ve worked on as part of my personal growth. They’re also very irrational given that Brynn did not choose to have cancer as part of her journey. Nonetheless, they’re important things to monitor as I continue to live my life as an individual, caregiver, husband and friend.  

I’ve been very good over the years to take an inventory of myself on an ongoing basis, which enables me to understand where I may need to bring some focus on. And part of my ongoing adjustment to our new circumstance is to ensure I redesign my priority life circle, and ensure I don’t lose focus on other parts of me that will continue to help, and provide balance so I can focus on being a good healthy caregiver to Brynn.  

With the change in focus, we are going to need to be very conscious about putting effort in the overlapping parts of our relationship so that it does not completely dissipate while we go through this chapter in our lives. I love the “we” in our relationship, and want nothing more than Brynn and I to get it back. And continue to emote....        

-Troy