Out of the fog

Me, June 11, 2019

If you would have asked me 16 days ago if I wanted to check into a hospital I would have dug my heels in. Looking back I realised it probably saved my life. I had been home from the hospital for a day when Troy and I decided to go up to Sonoma. Like most of these trips the goal was to rest, renew, and relax. By the time I got there my energy was zapped to zero so we made a call to go home the next day.

The scariest part about coming home was going to the bathroom and seeing blood everywhere. I don’t think I can ignore this, so Troy, my Mom and I packed back up for the Emergency Room. There was a problem. The aggressive cancer in my liver was growing at a pace that my body could no longer handle. My kidneys were failing and I was extremely dehydrated

It took about 3-4 days after we were able to start quickly but the whole process went very fast. Goal 1: Stabilize my other organs.. Goal 2: Kill The Cancer. And kill the cancer the chemo did. Just in time for my organs to heal so they can start all over again.

In reality I started my chemo too soon but I was in this weird predicament. I was so dehydrated and my kidneys were failing so quickly that the palliative team came by to talk about the 10% I was going to make it out of this. That wasn’t an option. I was getting out of this as soon as they could.

The next few days after starting chemo were a series of blood draws, tests, more tests, and just when you think you are tested out, there’s more. Food has been a pleasant surprise so far. No metal light bulb taste to sensitivity to cold. My taste buds have adjusted some and I am pretty sensitive to acid.

My abdominal healing has definitely slowed and as painful as it is to push myself up and out of bed in the morning but it has made a difference when I work at it. The next major milestone is to get a walker and start doing laps around the hallway.

I’m supposed to start round 2 of chemo tomorrow but its hinging no my white blood cell levels and if they are too low then we wait. I knew before I said this was going to be like a marathon, but this feeling like a slow persistent race against my body, will, and strength,

I don’t think I would have made it through this fog without Troy or my Mom. Troy has failleslly spent the last two weeks in the hospital by my side, while my wonderful mother is my companion during the day. This experience has given me the greatest sense of love and gratitude I have ever had in my life.

So while I am happy to be out off the haze I am certain that with what I have there will be more. I will also promise to keep this up to date, even when it’s hard.

-Brynn