"I'm not anorexic, I just have cancer."

Source: Camille Kmile, Unsplash

“I’m not anorexic, I just have cancer,” was the opening line I used with my massage therapist this weekend. I’d been rehearsing how to approach this because I figured it would be easier to joke about it than to call in advance and make a big deal about my condition.

I’d been searching for a good massage solution for the last two months which one might think would be an easy task, but finding a massage therapist who specializes in dealing with cancer patients is surprisingly hard. So I finally threw my hands in the air and resorted to more traditional methods…with an element of surprise of course. :)

I first tried Soothe which, for those who aren’t familiar with the app is basically Uber for massage therapists. The app promises to send a therapist to your home the same day and they bring everything including the table. I’d used them before and my experience was hit or miss. My first therapist was great. The second guy used cooking grade coconut oil as lotion and I left feeling like I needed to fire up the cast iron pan and fry myself when I was done. I thought I would give it a go a couple weeks back so I booked 90 minutes and waited. I even selected the pregnancy massage option figuring by default this would be a gentler way to go.

The therapist arrived and was nice enough but once I told her about my cancer and limitations she wouldn’t stop talking about what I should be doing to heal. Over the course of 90 minutes I learned about her family history, her weird conspiracy theories, and basically got one of the worst half assed massages of my life. It was then that I decided to terminate my short lived relationship with Soothe and was determined to go the traditional spa route.

Fast forward to this weekend I thought I would give it another go and booked massages for Troy and I at a lovely little inn in Sonoma. I didn’t warn them in advance and figured the element of surprise approach would guarantee me better results and limited special treatment (read: unnecessary sympathy). Massaging a bony body with cancer isn’t so different from massaging anyone else. Yes, my therapist was a little taken aback at first but I assured him with “I am just like anyone else but with slight modifications. We got this man.” He was on board with the challenge. My modifications were actually pretty simple. When I was face down I just needed to prop myself with a pillow under my chest to take pressure off of my abdomen. My PlureX catheter also required that he push only on my right side so as to not disrupt the entry into my belly and I also asked him to avoid massaging my chemo port. I also warned him about my dry skin which is rampant right now because of the chemo. Beyond that I said everything else was fair game and I was ready for my zenned out experience.

And zenned out I was. For 50 wonderful minutes I laid on the bed completely forgetting about my limitations. It was a massage no different from the ones I had when I was healthy and it made me feel normal. again The opportunity to escape, albeit brief, was delightfully herb filled and relaxing. I would do this again without hesitation and feel like it was exactly what I needed to chill out and just enjoy the moment.

Limitations have been an adjustment that I am still coming to terms with in my life. I miss the days when I would walk 5 miles along Crissy Field with Troy and have our nightly talks. It was a large part of our life and one that I am trying to figure out how to supplement now that I am limited to a few blocks and an activity or two on a good day. I’ve found relief in acupuncture, mental support in therapy (everyone needs a good therapist IMO), and am determined to reboot my mindfulness practice even if it’s for 15 minutes a day. My goal is to be as centered and focused on cultivating gratitude as I can. I’m far from there, in fact I consider myself a work in progress, but this too is an exercise in mindfulness because I am challenging myself to take an inventory on where I am at the present moment in time versus getting bogged down by what I can’t do on a daily basis.

Some mini achievements have included, realizing I can walk more than a block or up/down my stairs to my home, being able to go to infusion without having to be wheeled in by a chair, chewing food, cancer markers in my blood going down, making my own meals throughout the day, getting out of the house as frequently as I can, bathing myself and washing my hair without help, and getting a PlureX drain so I can manage my ascites fluid and have a better quality of life. Small wins are what keep me going despite the frustrating aspects of living with cancer. I’m not going to lie and say this has been smooth. Some days are absolute shit and make me want to scream. It hasn’t been an easy road for me, Troy, my family, or I but I feel like we are trying and doing the best that we can with the tools that we have and what gets thrown at us. If there was ever something to be grateful for I think that’s it.

-Brynn