Holding my breath.

Source: Jeremy Bishop, Unsplash

I’m scared.

Other cancer patients have all had this experience but it still is scaring the living hell out of me. I have my first CT scan in 3 months tomorrow. It’s a big milestone because it will tell me if the chemo is working. My last scan was after the old chemo and it neither showed growth or reduction. It wasn’t bad news because it showed the cancer wasn’t growing but it also wasn’t something I was going to do cartwheels over.

This time feels different. I feel like the stakes are higher. All signs would point to there being some progress. After all, I’ve gone from draining nearly 1 liter of ascites fluid from my abdomen daily to less than 250 ml on a good day, the cancer markers in my blood continue to decrease every two weeks, and my vitals and blood work show that I am within healthy levels (except for that pesky hemoglobin). That has to be progress, right? I’d like to hope that it’s a sign that my tumors are shrinking and that all of this chemo hasn’t been in vain.

Now I wait and sit with myself today trying not to freak out and have too much anxiety about this. Trying to stay positive and optimistic about tomorrow and keeping my fingers and toes crossed for some good news tomorrow.

-Brynn