Emotional Anchor
Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash
After my last post, I’ve received many wonderful messages, and encouragement to keep on writing and posting. Initially, I was very hesitant to continue using this channel as Millennial with Cancer was a place that Brynn and I came together to convey our thoughts individually, but as one. Even our writing styles and content were complementary to each others’ - hers was documenting the journey and struggles she was experiencing, and mine was more reflective about my learnings and growth as someone supporting her. Together it provided a holistic view of the overall journey of life as a cancer patient and caregiver. It was ours.
As you can imagine, our writing styles also mirrored our personalities. When we first met in the business world, she was the outgoing, born networker that was moving a 100mph. She had a zest, and anyone who met her was very much inspired by her intellect, leadership skills, communication and tremendous drive. I took a very different approach, with being somewhat quiet - some might disagree here - and reserved, behind the scenes type of guy, and lived up in my head. Brynn would joke about it being a complicated place up there, but I've been getting by.
I loved watching her butterfly around, and her prolific mind that can come up with many things very quickly. She is a fast thinker and communicator, and can execute something from inception to done like that (full disclosure: her fast acting, or as some might say reacting, would also drive me crazy). I, on the other hand, am a bit more methodical. I take my time to go deep and wide in my thinking (full disclosure: my slower pace approach drove her nuts). Our styles and personalities were so complementary, but we also admired the strengths of the other person that I think we subconsciously started developing that side. The funny thing is, our writing styles also started fusing as we got deeper into the journey. She began reflecting more about her and our life, whereas mine became about emotions, fears and hopes. It is these revelations that leave me with a big void. Every relationship has challenges, including ours. But it was our ability and willingness to evolve together while inspiring and be inspired by one another that made challenges be secondary. A big part of the loss I feel is not having my teacher and student to continue to learn, develop, and grow, while playing around as we went.
I’ve been struggling with volatile emotions over the past two weeks, and realize that I may still be in a state of shock – I’ve caught myself waiting to come home to tell Brynn about something or texting her to check in. However, the volatility is not coming from a place of aggression, but where my emotions can go in any one direction at a point in time. I can be fine one minute and then will be hyperventilating with emotions of disbelief, anger and a variety of others the next. Identifying triggers have been helpful in controlling some waves, but nonetheless, not all triggers are controllable. Then, there is this general state of sadness that may be with me for a while. I think if it combines itself with feelings of being lost, I am concerned about it evolving into depression. Writing about it is allowing me to identify and monitor these issues.
Everyone approaches grief differently, and part of my process has been to keep everything in our house untouched. Initially, I found solace in retaining the known. But what I am finding out is that keeping consistency is also becoming an emotional anchor that is not conducive for my mental state in the long run. I do understand I am holding on to her clothes and other items in order to extend her tangible presence. But I also realize I need to differentiate the meaning of the word, and eventually transition to having her presence live on with me through my behavior, life approach and memories. It’s one way to keep her beautiful spirit alive. That said, I’ve decided to donate some of her clothes when ready to an NPO called Dress for Success. They enable women from different socioeconomic status by providing work attire to support career placement & development. This seemed right, and it allows me to honor Brynn’s passion and principles.
As each day passes, I become more about feeling my feelings instead of living them. Part of my growth has been about being emotionally honest with myself as I go through the various waves. Self honesty also includes setting up boundaries, making sure I stay with my emotions and what I feel is the right thing to do at that time. People try to guide your process, which I believe is coming from the right place. However, I also believe it’s driven by their own feeling of not knowing what to do. They’re uncomfortable, combined with perhaps their own grieving and wanting to support me at the same time, the approach comes across as trying to control my journey. Brynn and I started using this analogy of oxygen mask to help me work on balancing my life as a caregiver. She would tell me that the first mask you put on in an airplane emergency is your own before you help someone else. The reality is much different from a day-to-day perspective, but the sentiment did help me adjust and take advantage when I had moments to balance. That analogy is surprisingly appropriate today. I need to adjust my mask to me, breathe either relax or heavily for me. Or if I want to say screw the mask and run up and down the aisle, that is also valid. The point is, I keep learning about emotional honesty from Brynn and it’s my job to continue exercising it.
My grieving, as I am discovering, has not been about letting go of Brynn, but redefining my relationship with her so she remains with me. I think what I’ve learned throughout her cancer battle was to evolve my love and support to what she needed at the time, while trying to preserve our marital fire and affection. The experience I gained from it, hopefully, will help as I move forward. Unfortunately, the intellectual nature of these findings doesn’t always match perfectly to my current emotional state, but it helps with having a destination when I am ready. Today, I just miss her being next to me - her laugh, sense of humor, Cher impression, wicked intelligence, and many of the other qualities I loved and admired. I would even take her incessant need to decorate and redecorate our house one plate and plant at a time. However, what I am mostly grieving is the unrealized possibilities of life with Brynn. The possibilities of reaching new heights, while discovering new depths about ourselves, each other and love. We recognized that life is a journey with many paths and detours, and I believe what we had found in each other was another person who was not afraid to be on it; not afraid to be lost; not afraid to learn and discover things about yourself that you may not like; not afraid of putting in the time and energy on fixing them, fully knowing the other is there committed through it all. It’s very rare to find that individual that says from the start, I will remain here through all of the bullshit we will go through together.
My grieving process, however, has been about recognizing, living and remembering my thoughts and emotions about Brynn, while taking an inventory of where I am with myself. Writing has been helping me to get out of my head and extract the thoughts. Publishing some have been making me live in my nightmare of being public about them. One saying Brynn and I value is “life begins when you leave your comfort zone” and I know she is looking over agreeing with you all for me to perhaps share a bit more.
Love and miss you, my love.
-Troy